I don’t know if anyone saw me (since y’all supposed to be praying, too), but I seriously ugly cried a few Sundays ago in church. I don’t know what we were supposed to be praying about (maybe reconciliation?), but as you know, God does what he will. As I closed my eyes and asked God what He would like me to pray, I began to think about my early days at South Hills Church, when Shannon spoke in tongues and even occasionally cursed. I was still young and figuring out who I was, but I was suddenly in a church of people who were really honest and really courageous about seeking the Lord. Memories washed over me of so many people who were a part of that time, and everything seemed bittersweet in my heart as I thought about all that had been familiar and would never be again.
Then I thought about the years when my babies were born. We had just returned from Tanzania, and my spirit was broken. I returned pregnant, depressed, and feeling as if God had failed me. I now recognize I likely experienced postpartum depression, which had only made things worse. But we came home to South Hills, and two wonderful spiritual mothers in the church heard me, treated me gently and tenderly, and helped me start to heal. One of those wonderful women is at home with Jesus now.
So here I am back home, at a place where some are known, and some are new. And I myself am new again. It’s a very strange thing.
But it’s also wonderful, because, as I cry and mourn what I’ve lost, I also cry in awe of what I’ve gained. (Just FYI, I almost always cry when God’s talking to me, so don’t mind me.) I’m still getting to know most of you, but I can already tell that I’m still home. We are brothers and sisters. We won’t agree on everything, but my spirit resonates every time I am The Church with you. The truth is, I was struggling with this, though I hadn’t realized it. I was struggling to let go of how things were before, and release my expectations of what my church family was going to look like. Holy Spirit was speaking to me, but gently because he knows me so well. I think he knew I wasn’t ready to face all my emotions yet. But as I allowed his love to hold me, I was able to grieve what was lost from before. In releasing that, I’ve become more aware than ever of the truth that all of you, here and now, are exactly the people I’m supposed to be with.
This experience of God’s gentleness reminded me more than ever of the importance of listening. God knew I needed to be pushed into thinking about these things, but only when I was ready, when I was feeling safe in his love and safe in this new (old) place. He knew the time was right because he knows me, and cares about me, and sees my heart. He’s the perfect listener, who knows our needs before we say a word. I was able to receive his Truth joyfully because I felt safe in his Love.
I pray that we can embody this gentle and humble spirit. My God waits to speak truth until I’m ready. And when another person feels safe and loved by me, I can speak truth in love and hope to be heard as well.
Ephesians 4:1-2
As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Ephesians 4:11-16
So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
Psalm 145:4-9
One generation commends your works to another; they tell of your mighty acts.
They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty—and I will meditate on your wonderful works.
They tell of the power of your awesome works—and I will proclaim your great deeds.
They celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness.
The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.
The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.
About the Author
Kayla is is 37. She has been married to her husband, Joel, for 17 years and she homeschools their two energetic boys. She loves stories, being out in nature, meeting interesting people, and seeing others grow in their freedom in Christ.