Whoever said that being a Christian made life easier?! I’m not sure what “Christian life” they’re talking about, but it’s been my experience that walking with Jesus and seeking to follow His teachings has been anything but easy! It has certainly been better… just not easier. One example of this is trying to follow Paul’s exhortation to speak the truth in love. It seems so often that I can either speak the truth without the right spirit of love and respect for the other person, or I can act “lovingly” but hide the truth.
While I recognize these kinds of difficult commands can best be accomplished by the overflow of God’s love in us and through us, I have also found a few helpful tips along the way through the teachings of good counselors, who have learned to work with people to help resolve their relationship difficulties. I’d like to offer one of those tips here. It’s known as the “STOP Process” and was introduced to me by Carolyn Rexius, the founding director of CAFA (Christians As Family Advocates).
How the “STOP Process” might help us in speaking the truth in love is that it trains us to thoughtfully respond rather than hastily react to someone who rubs us the wrong way. Here’s how it works: when we experience the brunt of someone’s anger, criticism, or otherwise negative attitude, we learn to slow down and examine the situation before reacting with defensiveness or a counter-attack. When our emotions are triggered and we are tempted to react quickly, if we follow these few steps we may well be able to respond out of love and respect.
The “S” literally stands for “STOP”. Take some time before reacting or saying anything. Picture a STOP sign in your mind. Take 10 deep breaths and ask yourself a question or two. This brings the situation out of your fight or flight brain and into your thinking brain. The two don’t work well together!
The “T” stands for “Take Time to Identify Your Feelings.” Why is it that you’re reacting with such strong emotion to what was said or done? Be honest.
The “O” stands for “Opt to Give Yourself and the Other Person the Benefit of the Doubt.” What might the other person have been going through that has them stressed or angry before they even encountered you? What are you going through? Realize you also might be especially tired, hungry or stressed from other aspects of your life that make this current situation seem worse than it is.
The “P” stands for “Process the Event from a Place of Self-value, with Openness, Curiosity, Humility and Compassion.” After all this thinking brain work (which is also the part of the brain where our compassion and spirituality resides), we are much more likely to let go of our defensiveness and be able to respond to the other person from a place of reason and thoughtfulness, which has the effect of de-escalating the rough emotions all around.
As I’ve mentioned, this is not necessarily an easy process, but it does become easier and more automatic over time and with practice. The Lord always helps us when we attempt to follow his ways. There are numerous scriptures we can turn to as well:
Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
Romans 12:2
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Proverbs 23:7
For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.
Galatians 5:22
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
About the Author
John lives in Pleasant Hill with his dog, Gunnar, and a multitude of guests who enjoy the peace and beauty of the Cascade foothills. With three children and three grandchildren all living in Oregon, he is continually blessed with their company and the good food that always accompanies their get-togethers!