Several years ago I was struggling in my marriage. You know, the typical getting to know each other kind of stuff, when a relationship goes from romantic to real. We weren't seeing eye to eye, rather we were going nose to nose. I don't remember now what the hot topic was, but I certainly remember what a great friend of mine said to me later as I told him about the conflict. He said I had two choices in any argument. I could be "right,” or I could have relationship. Which one, he had the guts to ask, was more important to me?
I instantly knew he was right. And wise. But, I silently reasoned, couldn't I have both? Well ideally yes, but in this case, no, as my ego was bigger than my logic. Struggles between people are typically chalked up to "lack of communication,” and yes, that's mostly true. But good intention can so easily be drowned in the words, due to the lack of strong relationship in the first place. Or it can be absent altogether, buried under our baseless assumptions. One of my favorite quotes is: “A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.” (And in my case, reiterating them).
We are taught from an early age that right is, well, RIGHT. Math either computes exactly or it's wrong and rendered useless. The scientific method requires earnest study, then an educated theory, then experiments to prove it wrong or right. In our biblical heritage, there is extremely high value, even if not always verbalized, in having right doctrine. We speak of being “right with God” with frightening consequences for the alternative.
In our current world, realizing a sense of common ground sometimes seems like a quaint notion reserved for pacifists, or a weak option if we feel like being nice to people. In reality, I would submit that it’s absolutely essential for any of us to not only get along, but to excel as individuals and as human team members.
Why? Because we ARE all relational. We were created that way. Every last one of us. And every good work in every facet of our human experience is in some way affected by, involves, or benefits others.
So should we devalue or even toss out our strong and long-held convictions, for the sake of agreement? Should we avoid honest conversations at all costs? Absolutely not. But here are a few things that help me navigate the thorny patch of words and people:
I should always be seeking a more “perfect truth”. I see through the glass dimly, and I always want to see more clearly. It’s okay to not have all the answers yet, and my view is typically tainted by incomplete information (emotional assumptions).
People, even those I disagree with, are way more important than my arguments. I will never influence anyone in a positive way, without already having a relationship with them. That comes first. Mutual respect comes next.
I have way more in common with others than I have differences, and we are frequently desiring the same good outcomes. “Us vs. Them” tribalism has to go. Can I work with others for a common good even while disagreeing with them?
I realize that I act, by nature, like a myopic mule with blinders on. But I desperately need others’ perspectives, fueled by their personal stories to complete my big picture. And empathy - borrowing others’ glasses to peer into their world - is a powerful key that unlocks it all.
It’s a win/win - righteous relationship!
About the Author
Terry is a man in constant motion to explore new horizons. He has a thirst for new places and faces, and a deep love for the natural world - with a weakness for waterfalls and sunsets. All of this venturing out helps to both ground and inspire him, because it opens him up to people, with their vast, collective array of experiences, outlooks and responses.
He finds all of this fascinating and sees that it has encouraged the growth of something crucial in his Christian development: empathy and compassion toward his brothers and sisters on this planet.