The Back Story
I was born into a Christian family. A Catholic Christian family. A devout, Catholic Christian family. I was in church every Sunday and Holy Day from infancy on. I attended parochial school from 1st grade through high school. I was taught that there is a God who is a loving Father, and His Son Jesus became a man, lived with us and died for our sins so that we could be God’s children and live with Him forever. He did all these things through the power of His Holy Spirit. Of course there is a lot more to that story, but it is enough to make my point. I don’t ever remember a time in my life when I didn’t believe myself to be a Christian.
I had a good childhood, loving parents, and close family. Frankly, I remember feeling pretty happy and safe. My parents taught me right from wrong. From my perception, it was black and white, no grey area and my parents were the ones to make the important decisions. Follow the rules, go to confession regularly and I am golden! God loved me and all was right with the world.
Things started to change for me in high school. I started to notice that my parents were more interested in my opinion about things. They wanted to know what I thought I should do in a particular circumstance. They didn’t seem to want to hand me all the answers. Hmmm. This was different and didn’t feel quite as safe. I liked having clear rules and safe boundaries.
Even though I was taught about a good God and loving Savior, we live in a broken world and the things of God got twisted for me along the way. There is more to that story too, but suffice it to say that the idea of a loving God had developed in my imagination to a God who loved me as long as I didn’t screw up. Now my parents were asking me, their first born, the responsible one, to start making decisions on my own. What if I screwed up?
In my 16th year, I entered into a dark depression. Fear of failing, screwing up, or falling short of God’s expectations dominated my thoughts. I once left it up to my parents to keep me on God’s good side and now they were handing the mantle to me.. Which was unexpected, and honestly unwanted. I no longer felt safe. The next 3 years were a very dark time for me, full of fear.
But thanks be to our truly loving God, who did not leave me in that condition!
Through a series of events, I was introduced in my 19th year to a new way of interacting with this God I so wanted to please. I was introduced to a relationship with God. The Lord showed himself to me in a whole new way and he began to heal my perception of Him. Did it happen overnight? No. The struggle with depression, lack of confidence and trusting in Him did not end overnight, but it was the beginning! In my 20’s I gained ground and grew in understanding and hope in my friendship with Jesus and the season of depression passed. Worship, prayer and relationships with friends and mentors on the same journey, literally “gave me a new lease on life.” And the journey continues…
Fast Forward
Twenty-some years later still on that journey, I had what I can only call “an epiphany!”
Epiphany: Merriam-Webster Dictionary
1 capitalized: January 6 observed as a church festival in commemoration of the coming of the Magi as the first manifestation of Christ to the Gentiles...
2 : an appearance or manifestation especially of a divine being
3a(1) : a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something
I was now attending South Hills Church, later to become CitySalt. Since the beginning of the church there has been time set aside by leadership for anyone who wants to gather to pray corporately for our church body. Pastor John led the call then too. On one such evening, besides John, I was the only other person who came to pray. There was nothing significant about the date. I don’t remember anything particular about events or circumstances going on at this point in my life. We were just doing what we do, gathering to pray. In God-like fashion, He showed up and everything changed for me.
John 17: 22-23
And the glory which You gave Me I have given them, that they may be one just as We are one: I in them, and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that You have sent Me, and have loved them as You have loved Me.
“I in them, and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one…”
“I in them, and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one…”
Light bulb: We were never meant to do this alone!
We were never meant to need to figure things out in order to impress God. We were never meant to clean up our act before we could present ourselves pure before Him.
I was never meant to hide from Him what I don’t understand. Or clean up my christian ‘speak’ so that I present myself to Him in a way He could tolerate. I am not left on my own to “get my act together.” I am not discarded to flounder in my mistakes. It is okay to talk to Him about things I struggle with and ask for help. He already knows anyway.
I am made in the image of God. (Genesis 1:27)
“that they may be one just as We are one: I in them, and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one,”
We: the Father, Son, Holy Spirit and me are in this together!!!
The earth moved for me in that moment of realization. God is in this with me! I was never meant to go it alone.
If you had this figured out in Christianity 101, I commend you and you needn’t read any further, but this was life changing for me! Never before had I thought of being partnered with God for my own salvation. I think that after all these years, I still thought of the Father as someone to impress--still feeling as though my life literally depended on impressing Him. “Thank you Jesus for coming and dying on the cross, but I’ll take it from here,” was my position. He had done His part and the rest was up to me.
I don’t believe that anymore. By sending Jesus to die on the cross, by Jesus coming, by leaving the Holy Spirit with us, God, the Trinity, has more at stake in this game then I do. He laid it all on the line. He wants us to get it right this time and is willing to give everything to help us to get there, despite our sin.
John 15:5
“I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.
I don’t comprehend how this all works out and what it all means, but I can talk to Him about it:-) I want to know Him more and continue the journey together. He designed it that way, from how I see it. Father, help me to understand, forgive my misunderstanding.
We are made in the image of God. God is Three. God is One. We are invited to “be one” in Him.
1 Corinthians 13:11-12
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
About the Author
Darla loves God and is the Media Communication Coordinator for CitySalt Church. She is a graphic designer and an entrepreneur. Always learning. Eternally grateful for her wonderful and supporting husband Mark and faithful friends who are are pillars of encouragement in all her endeavors.
Mark and Darla have no children but have the privilege of loving a gaggle of ever expanding nieces and nephews.